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Thread: I regret my penectomy

  1. #1

    I regret my penectomy

    Ok let me first start out with the good part. I still have erections and orgasms. The orgasms are actually pretty amazing. I had a penectomy in 2015 with Dr. Arnkoff. When I first had it I was happy. I did not regret it at all. My penis seemed like it was dead. I still had a sensation down there when I was turned on but that was it. I was in a hotel in Germany summer 2016...and it was the first time after penectomy I got a little hard down there...and I had an orgasm. It was pretty weak and bad. But after that it didn't get hard again. And I just kind of forgot about it.
    So when I realized that I regret it was in May 2018. It all began March/April 2018.

    All my life I had felt so feminine...I always loved tall masc guys and always bottomed. All my years when I had my penis I never topped. I never felt attracted to women either or tried to sleep with them. I never thought about women or topping using my dick when I masturbated. It did not turn me on. I always went for guys with big dicks and bottomed for them. I hated my facial and body hair. Once I had an orchiectomy I started waxing my body and facial hair. It started growing back lighter or not growing back at all. I felt happy about that. And I still do. I do not regret orchiectomy..I love having a smooth body. And I don't shave anymore I just wax my facial hair about once in two weeks. My facial hair has been greatly reduced...and I am pleased with that.

    So let me get back to spring 2018...I noticed something different. There was a guy at work I was interested in. He found out so he started making small talk with me. He was the type I always went for. He was tall. I'm 6'1 but he's about 6'4. He's blonde and masculine. Basically this was my dream guy. So I was planning to get laid soon and hit on him. But then I started noticing guys that look more like me. My height or shorter. A bit feminine looking..or twinkish. Then I realized something was changing with me. I don't know why. Maybe it's because some time before that I had just had my FIRST prostate orgasm...at age 26. I know it's sad. I should've had one before..but I never did. Maybe the prostate orgasms did something to my sexuality. Since my penis was gone I had to orgasm somehow. When I had a penis I had never even tried to have a prostate orgasm. It seemed too complicated...I would just take my penis, fap and cum. It was so easy. But I finally had one. And it was amazing. So I started having them all the time.

    But after the prostate orgasms...it's like my penis started waking up again. So then I started noticing the feminine guys. And feeling attracted to them. This was a clue that I might have made a mistake with penectomy. My penis( what's left of it) started getting erect. I still had prostate orgasms but I noticed it started to get more and more erect. I started to imagine myself topping guys and I started stroking my penis again. I had penile orgasms again. When I had one at first it was weak..like the one in Germany. But then I was caught off guard because they started to feel powerful again. The erections kept getting harder and harder. I could see that the size was expanding.

    But we're just getting started. There was a girl who I saw at work once in a while. I would just see her punching in sometimes. I noticed many times that she would act nervous and shy around me. I thought it was cute...but I never thought about her or any women in that way. And then one day she came in and was being all shy again...I don't know when exactly but I started thinking about her and that day. Then I realized that I actually like her. So every time I saw her my feelings would get more intense. I never thought about women sexually. But I started getting erect when I imagined her face only. I would get really hard...and I imagined having sex with her and dominating her. Now this is when my penis just went crazy. I started having orgasms so powerful that I would moan and shake. They were mind blowing. ( the girl was engaged...so nothing happened with her, plus that's a whole other long story). I can't even describe how hard this all was for me..I mean I was attracted to a woman. I felt like I was a whole other person. I didn't know this part of me existed. I never thought about women sexually before..this was like entering another world.

    I realized I made a mistake with the penectomy. I started to feel really down and depressed. But my penis would not let me lol...the erections and orgasms returned. The best way I can describe it is that my penis wants to resurrect itself. And I had researched into phalloplasty, even saw a doctor about it. I might have a phalloplasty..but I'm still not mentally ready. And since I regret my last surgery, I don't want to make any mistakes again. So I am just letting some time pass by to make sure I really want to do it. Meanwhile I also started getting brazilian waxes. And I noticed that after a wax I can't help but get hard down there. Now every time after waxing I have to fap.

    I'm still attracted to guys too. I can still get very turned on by a masculine guy and bottoming. But I prefer more feminine guys now. I still don't like most women but I realized I can be very attracted to a woman too.

    In case there any doubts I have pictures of when I get hard. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post nudes so I'll just do an underwear one for now.

  2. #2
    Nullo Since June 23, 2015 Losethem's Avatar
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    Re: I regret my penectomy

    At this point I think you may be well served by a sexual therapist. I'm seeing a young man with a lot of issues to sort through, and they can help you do that. You may not get resolution, but at the least it should help you work through the vacillation I'm seeing in the thread above.
    Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug.

  3. #3
    Kimmel class of 2006 Hash's Avatar
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    Re: I regret my penectomy

    Well, I'm sorry for you, I wish your penis could and would grow back. However, your mistake is supplementing with testosterone, which you did not mention. You had an orchiectomy, you were castrated, you would not be feeling the way you're feeling without the supplemental testosterone. That's what changing you from your more "feminine side". You're probably getting more testosterone into your blood stream then you ever had before, that's why your thinking more about women and why your penis is resurrecting itself with such power. If you stop using all that testosterone, your penis wouldn't be getting erect. So that's why you regret your penectomy, it's all that testosterone your using. Sure, eunuchs can get soft erections for awhile, but without adding "t", erections eventually become rare and sexual desire wanes. You wouldn't be having erections then with adding back testosterone, I know that for a fact.

    In reality your going to have to learn to accept your penectomy and learn to enjoy the orgasmic ability that you still have. No, it's not the same and it will never be the same, but still being able to orgasm, be thankful. If your still young, maybe in the future you'll be fortunate enough to grow a new one when technology advances to that stage. However, I'm pretty sure the only reason you regret your penectomy is that you woke up your sexual brain chemistry and also your penis by using testosterone. As for me and many others, we don't regret our penectomies.
    Last edited by Hash; 03-21-2019 at 01:47 AM.

  4. #4

    Re: I regret my penectomy

    How much of your penis remains?? I can see where having a short stub could be very frustrating. Are you on full HRT??

    I just received my psych letter to pursue total penectomy and genital nullification surgery. I'm much older than you but it's time for mine to be removed. My goal will be to be totally smooth downstairs.

  5. #5

    Re: I regret my penectomy

    Quote Originally Posted by Hash View Post
    Well, I'm sorry for you, I wish your penis could and would grow back. However, your mistake is supplementing with testosterone, which you did not mention. You had an orchiectomy, you were castrated, you would not be feeling the way you're feeling without the supplemental testosterone. That's what changing you from your more "feminine side". You're probably getting more testosterone into your blood stream then you ever had before, that's why your thinking more about women and why your penis is resurrecting itself with such power. If you stop using all that testosterone, your penis wouldn't be getting erect. So that's why you regret your penectomy, it's all that testosterone your using. Sure, eunuchs can get soft erections for awhile, but without adding "t", erections eventually become rare and sexual desire wanes. You wouldn't be having erections then with adding back testosterone, I know that for a fact.

    In reality your going to have to learn to accept your penectomy and learn to enjoy the orgasmic ability that you still have. No, it's not the same and it will never be the same, but still being able to orgasm, be thankful. If your still young, maybe in the future you'll be fortunate enough to grow a new one when technology advances to that stage. However, I'm pretty sure the only reason you regret your penectomy is that you woke up your sexual brain chemistry and also your penis by using testosterone. As for me and many others, we don't regret our penectomies.
    Please do not put words in my mouth. I don't take testosterone or any hormones. My doctor also asked me if I do when I had a consultation for phalloplasty. He thinks that my adrenal glands are producing more testosterone since I do not have testicles.
    My orgasms are great. It's great you don't regret yours but I do regret mine.

  6. #6

    Re: I regret my penectomy

    Quote Originally Posted by keyman419 View Post
    How much of your penis remains?? I can see where having a short stub could be very frustrating. Are you on full HRT??

    I just received my psych letter to pursue total penectomy and genital nullification surgery. I'm much older than you but it's time for mine to be removed. My goal will be to be totally smooth downstairs.
    It's almost three inches when I'm excited. There's a lot of girth it basically looks like a ball expanding on all sides. Basically the phalloplasty would shape it to look like a penis again. Since you are planning to have penectomy have you thought about the negatives? The biggest thing I miss is being able to pee standing up. Esp at airport bathrooms. When it's busy usually all the stalls are taken in the men's bathroom and it's too risky to try to use the urinal. I can lift my skin and pee standing up but it's too messy. I can't wait to be able to pee standing up again. The urethra can also be constructed or lengthened but I'm just not ready to deal with it yet. Wearing a catheter, the pain etc.

  7. #7

    Re: I regret my penectomy

    Quote Originally Posted by SweetBoy View Post
    The biggest thing I miss is being able to pee standing up.
    I have started to sit full time for the past several months. It does seem to take longer but it's not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Since I am going for total penectomy, I will be getting a urethral re-route and standing will no longer be an option at all. I'm working on dealing with that but like I said, it has been going very well since sitting full time.
    At my surgery consult, I will be talking about how much, if any, penile tissue will remain. I'm feeling with a total penectomy there should be little to no erectile tissue to engorge with blood and that will make it much more comfortable since no sensation of erection will be noticed. That's the direction I'm pursuing at this time.

  8. #8
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    Re: I regret my penectomy

    I have seen a little funnel thing so women can pee standing

  9. #9

    Re: I regret my penectomy

    The only place i stand to pee these days is in an aircraft bathroom, but i think i will start sitting to pee on aircraft as well. I like sitting to pee, and it makes cleaning my bathroom way easier.
    Iam curious about your penectomy. What did you want when it was done? I thought it was all taken. You asked Dr A to leave just a short stub?

  10. #10

    Re: I regret my penectomy

    Quote Originally Posted by Losethem View Post
    At this point I think you may be well served by a sexual therapist.
    I second this. You're dealing with pretty specific things - unsure about sexuality, penectomy, possibly hormone imbalance. You want to start sorting things out.

    I hope this won't be rude, but I have to say that for some guys your state is actually sort of desired - to want to be with women yet not have a penis. Sounds a lot like the 'frustration' fantasy.

    Obviously it's not fun when one is living it without having desiring it.

  11. #11

    Re: I regret my penectomy

    Hi,
    I do not regret mine, however I had a radical penectomy. So nothing is left. Everything was taken out as it was pushing against my pudendal nerve and was driving me in very serious pain.

    I am on a low dose of TRT and am trying to get off the TRT and use a low dose of estrogen instead. However its hard to find a doctor willing to give me the E.

    Have your tried taking Estrogen in a low dose, to see if it helps to lower your T levels.

    From what I remember it is better to go for a radical penectomy, than just a partial penectomy if possible, as then your mind rewires itself since nothing is left for it to work with.

    Take care
    regards.

  12. #12
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    Re: I regret my penectomy

    Quote Originally Posted by keyman419 View Post
    I have started to sit full time for the past several months. It does seem to take longer but it's not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Since I am going for total penectomy, I will be getting a urethral re-route and standing will no longer be an option at all. I'm working on dealing with that but like I said, it has been going very well since sitting full time.
    At my surgery consult, I will be talking about how much, if any, penile tissue will remain. I'm feeling with a total penectomy there should be little to no erectile tissue to engorge with blood and that will make it much more comfortable since no sensation of erection will be noticed. That's the direction I'm pursuing at this time.
    I got asked by the Surgeon about how I'd feel having to sit to pee as I am interested in the total penectomy. He explained several versions of a penectomy including the stump type. I explained to him that I'd worn a full steel chastity belt for about a year and a half. Initially it was a bit freaky having to sit to pee, but now it's no big deal. He seemed fine with that explanation.

    The therapist was also asking that question and was a lot harder to convince than the Surgeon that I felt it would be okay. Evidently, there are folks who experience the same regret as the OP as she kept mentioning not being able to stand to pee. She finally accepted that I was serious and that the sitting to pee would not be an issue for me and I got my letter. It's something for guys to consider if looking at nulloplasty as they call it now.

  13. #13

    Re: I regret my penectomy

    Quote Originally Posted by zeebster View Post
    I got asked by the Surgeon about how I'd feel having to sit to pee as I am interested in the total penectomy.

    The therapist was also asking that question and was a lot harder to convince than the Surgeon that I felt it would be okay. Evidently, there are folks who experience the same regret as the OP as she kept mentioning not being able to stand to pee. She finally accepted that I was serious and that the sitting to pee would not be an issue for me and I got my letter. It's something for guys to consider if looking at nulloplasty as they call it now.
    Thanks for the explanation @zeebster. I tend to agree with you now since it's been months since I've stood to pee. It's become normal and actually seems rather comfortable and it's relatively quiet now and no spraying. I've heard it might spray some after the reroute surgery but it will be straight down. There are a few places (bars, airplanes) that I'd prefer not to have to sit but you take the good with the bad. I initially thought the sitting would be the worst part but it's not that bad, so thinking about what the new worst part will be, haha.

    My therapist actually seemed to be more concerned with the fact that my pants won't have a bulge anymore and others may notice this. The human brain expects to see a bulge on a male. I know I don't look at the crotch of others but perhaps some do. I doubt anyone will even bring up a hing of a question tho.

    The stress of preparations for surgery is starting to take a toll as I'm tired more and have a lot on my mind. It will come soon tho I'm sure.

  14. #14
    110% Top, call me "SIR" TopManFL's Avatar
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    Re: I regret my penectomy

    Quote Originally Posted by keyman419 View Post
    Thanks for the explanation @zeebster. I tend to agree with you now since it's been months since I've stood to pee. It's become normal and actually seems rather comfortable and it's relatively quiet now and no spraying. I've heard it might spray some after the reroute surgery but it will be straight down. There are a few places (bars, airplanes) that I'd prefer not to have to sit but you take the good with the bad. I initially thought the sitting would be the worst part but it's not that bad, so thinking about what the new worst part will be, haha.

    My therapist actually seemed to be more concerned with the fact that my pants won't have a bulge anymore and others may notice this. The human brain expects to see a bulge on a male. I know I don't look at the crotch of others but perhaps some do. I doubt anyone will even bring up a hing of a question tho.

    The stress of preparations for surgery is starting to take a toll as I'm tired more and have a lot on my mind. It will come soon tho I'm sure.
    Your therapist must know some seriously hung men. I think the vast majority of shorts, slacks and pants don't show a bulge on men. Regular and tight jeans show a bulge. But, today's style of men's pants is far more relaxed.

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