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Thread: Penectomy - Sadness at the End

  1. #1

    Penectomy - Sadness at the End

    Penectomy - Sadness at the End

    I had to learn this lesson the hard way, and I am still learning, because the damage I did to my body will never drop of. As person concerned I can say: Penectomy in reality leads only to one end: Sadness. Tearfull sadness.

    Four years ago I did a butchershop self penectomy. I simply banded my cock at the base with a rubber band and cut my dick with a kitchen-knife of. It hurd like hell and all the ecstasy was gone. I was on drugs, canabis and mushrooms. Instantly I was in shock and horror. What have I done. Reality, boom. What follows is a story of endless suffering and pain. Shame and anger. Humilation and depressive state. At this evening when it happened, I went by foot into the next hospital, my dick in an icebag in my backback. This is so sad, you carry your dick in a backback. Tears when I remember. They tried to replantate it, but where inexperienced with micro-surgery. I watched three weeks how my swollen replantated cock slowly died. It was black and dry at the end. Then they operated off what was extinct. A little piece of the shaft was adnated and is still there. Follows endless complication, in sum 8 operations until finally the wound healed after two months hospital, the most awful two months in my live, never meet such incompetent staff like in this hospital. They where totally overstrained. Today it looks like full penectomy, only a small stump is left with a pee-hole. It is very very sensitive and pleasures me with the ability to orgasm. Thanks good, thanks guardian angel. Thanks to the doctors too? Mhh, may be. Would be a long article if I write down what screwballing nonsense they did.

    Back then out of the hospital I thought, up, hurry, back into live and live again. Go to party, renovate the new flat, search new job and so on. I never really grieved what had happened. May be because I thought now I must be proudly nullo. Thanks good I came in contact with crystal meth. (sorry, but I really mean it so) On comedown of this drug I experienced a such deep sadness about what I had done and what happened to me. I never cried such hard tears before. Really, really deep grief. No psychotherapy would have been able to give me such insight into my emotional world. I had suppressed this sadness, demerged it. Who had thought that this poison crystal meth could make anybody such a gift. Amazing. I became aware that I had loved my cock. It had pleasured me all my live, was my best and most lovely friend. It gave me endless love and lust. It was one of the big gifts we all are presented with in live. Like joy, love, sunlight, nature, eat, all these are gifts. Of the gods if you like spiritual sight. And I destroyed my gift. This is so sad to realize, that can I say to you. Only thing you can do is crying and learn to forgive yourself. Crying helps. I feel better afterwards.

    So, what is it all about with this penectomy-thing. This odd attraction this subject has for somebody. I mean, dick means love. Our dick is the physical representation of love, the physical manifestation of love. Doing harm to your cock is loveless. You sit there and wank over a loveless, violent act. If you still have a cock this can be horny. Hornyness and love seems not necessarily be connected. If not you simply can call it sadism. Especially when violence is included. So is it a sadistic subject this penectomy-thing. The problem with sadism I see is, that reality comes in earlier or later. Sadism suppresses at minimum one side in our soul, love, condolence, tenderness and so on. This leads either to livelong suppression of this emotions or it leads to repentance. For me it was both. The first years suppression and then becoming aware and then repentance. May be not so much repentance, more sadness, grieve. So, the penectomy-thing leads in reality only to one end: Sadness. That should you know about. Only sadness. May be you can shift yourself from time to time into sadistic horniness again, but for reality penectomy means only sadness. This can really make one a little bit schizophrenic, to have a side in yourself which is sadistic and feels horny about penectomy and such stuff and another side which is emotional, tender, lovingly, empathic. I needed years to find a solution that both sides may live: Play sadism. Fantasize over it, find ways to playfull live it. Do not suppress it when its part of you, live it in a playfull way. Because if you suppress it it can't be reflected, can't become aware but finds ways to form reality, like me on drugs. Others in psychosis or simply in highly arused state. Find a way to playfully handle with it. But never harm your dick, or the dick of others. Every dick is lovely, the little ones and the big ones, the fat and the thin. It is a gift. Don't harm it. Love it. It loves you back, all the time.

    ---------------------------

    Here is a suggestion how you can playfully deal with penectomy. This is a tip for both, men who still have their cock and the ones who lost it. For the latter is it a way to have a cock again, or some alternative, for the former a way to have a huge cock, for example.

    You need:

    - One TENS/EMS-Device, a stimulation current device. I suggest BEURER EM 80, Program 11 with one cicle: constant pulsing, 35 - 65Hz
    - A strapon harness, I give you advice to build your own very effective one
    - A realistic dildo you really like. As most realistic as possible, like the Jeff Stryker UR3, John Holmes UR3, Kevin Dean by Studio2000 or every other you find cool, but should have a scrotum
    - A boxer-short with slit (don't know the word in english) I mean a short with a slit where you can put your cock trough.

    In short words: Use the TENS/EMS-device to stimulate your cock or your stump. Use the harness to place the dildo where your cock is and clothe yourself with the short, put the dildo trough the slit. This looks something realistic. Now you can play with your new cock that way you want, rub it, cut it, beat it, whatever you want. I found it really cool to take canabis, speed or crystal meth for this occasion, but that must everybody know for himself, you know, everybody want that you say drugs are bad.

    In long words, this is heavy because my english is not so exact:

    First you must cut the suction base of the dildo away and modeling the base/scrotum-underside of the dildo in a way, that it firmly places over your stump or cock and covers half of your scrotum, but leave enough place for your balls. If you stretch your scrotum and place then the dildo in the right way your balls should be hang under the dildo relatively free. This is important that you not harm your balls.

    If you still have a cock, put the two +Sides of the four electrodes on the upper and downside of your shaft. Wrap it with a condom, then the electrodes get better hold. If you have a stump, stick the two +Sides of the four electrodes together, around half way, so that they together look like one electrode and place it on your stump. And now for both, stump or cock: stick the two -Sides of the electrodes together, again they look like one electrode and place them on your scrotum araound 2-3cm away from the underside of your shaft/stump. The electrodes are sticky, but not enogh. Use patch to fix the electrodes. I mean medical patch from a roll. Use around 5 or 6 strips of 5cm-wide roll-patch. This sould be enough. You have to try for yourself what is the best way to place the electrodes, are they to nearby on +Side and -Side the current only burns and pains. When they are enough far away from each other, current flows trough your cock/stump cock base and stimulates penis-nerves. I cannot give general advice for electrode placement. I think if you got the idea you must for yourself try a little bit. Know, that when you strap the dildo over it, the feeling will much stronger, because the electrodes are firmly pressed into the skin. If the electrodes are loosely on your skin wrapped or sticked the current only burns.

    The harness: You need two belts. Every belt has a fastener on one side, the other side is for putting it through the fastener and strain the belt. The one belt is placed around your waist, like a waistbelt. The second belt will be knotted onto the other directly over the place where your cock is. Knot the second belt that way, that the side with the fastener is around 20cm long and the other around 70cm. Now you place the dildo in place and lay the long side of the second belt cross-stile (from left to right) over the scrotum of the dildo and pull it between your legs, aside your scrotum, trough your arse-slit to the backside and there loop it around the first belt, the waistband-belt, pull it back between your legs, along the other side of your scrotum and there connect it with the fastener again cross-style over the scrotum of the dildo. When you fasten the second belt then, pull the belt this way, that the knot, where the two belts are connected is placed directly on the upperside of the dildo, the two sides of the second belt must firmly lay around the shaft of the dildo and lay x-style over the scrotum of the dildo. Very difficult to explain in words, very simple by practice. Don't fasten the belts to hard, otherwise the dildo is so strong pressed onto your genitals that blood-flow is interrupted. You must again here try for yourself.

    Ok. First is placing the electrodes, second placing the dildo onto your cock/stump, third wrapping the harness. Last thing, put the short on and stick the dildo trough the piss-slit. Voila, ready is the newborn man. I dunno if this kind of game is as much fun for straight men as it is for me a gay man. Be aware that you can have this experience only for one to some hours, otherwise blood-flow in your genitals may be suppressed. If you play this on meth you must be very very carefull, 12hours are fast over and your cock may be dead because lack of blood-flow. Best it is to loosen the belts every half hour and massage your genitals a little bit and to check for numbness.

    Use your phantasy what you can do with it now. No borders. If you fuck your partner, be gentle. You can do a lot of damage with some of this dildos, but so far, no borders. Everything is possible if you use your phantasy.

    OK. This far for my suggestion how you can playfully deal with the subject penectomy. Also can have a cock again if you crossed the border like me and looking for a way to experience cock again. It is a compensation, not the real thing. The stimulation of the TENS/EMS-device can be very strong and delightful but will be never the same as the real thing. But it is better than nothing and better to play a game as to cross the border.

    And please, do not use this game to dulling your natural fear of harming your body. I thought a long time if to share my idea or not, because I am afraid, that someone could reduce his natural respect against a real penectomy or other body harm by using this kind of game. It is thought to prevent this. To give the possibility to playfully live your sadistic side, or longing side, whatever side. So care for yourself. And have fun.

    ------------------------

    Boys, this is the thing you have to know. Fascination for penectomy is at every case a fascination. Nothing for reality. It may be horny for the moment but it is sadness for the ages. This subject should only be lived as a game, fiction. I wonder how many we are on this wonderful planet who are stuck to this subject. And to be very honest I must say, better it would be when this subject all over became forgotten (what it is that google does with all their censoring). It has damaged part of my live so hard, I wish I had never be come in contact with. I wish I could have realized the love for my cock earlyer in my live. Today I caress my little stump and give it as much love I can. I am thankfull that at least a little bit of the separated part has been adhesioned back. It means my cock forgave me my fault and tryed really hard to stay alive. At least I see it that way, this makes the sadness not so painfull at all.

    Love your dick! He loves you!

  2. #2

    Re: Penectomy - Sadness at the End

    Sadness like you I am new here, haven't read much yet, but thanks for sharing your heartfelt story!

    As a long time pre-op transgender "tomgirl" I've often thought the 'reality' might be very different from the 'fantasy' and have indeed resisted from doing anything permanate to self. Having been on Casodex (the best castration level drug avail with little/none adverse side-effects) for many years past now absolutely feel the current state of "GRS" (gender reassignment surgery) is not really what it's touted to be, have read horror stories, and leaves alot to be desired (ie: post-op maintainence level(s) are very high, an 'obsession' unto itself?).

    Also do understand, appreciate your facination with drugs my overriding desire to 'do away', 'hide' and/or otherwise castrate oneself is extremely hightened when motivated by a certain drug thus avoid such behavior, lol 'ave been a 'good girl' lately!!

    BTW Casodex effects, if taken long enough, are more-or-less permanate Am Happy & do not take it anymore!

    Cheers for now . . .
    "But it's no use now," thought poor Alice, "to pretend be two people!
    "Why, there's hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!"

  3. #3

    Re: Penectomy - Sadness at the End

    to sadnesattheend - do not despair. I know it is cliche but time does heal wounds. Many on this site feel your anguish, but many also share an awareness that at some point in our lives we all pass through an obsession with how our physical genitalia affects our lives. Everyone must travel their own path in life, and this site is one place we can support each of of us that have chosen a path less traveled.

    I dare not speak for eunuchs and full nullos who have made the bold step of taking full control of their hormonal and sensual inputs, but do have experience with the regret you speak of.

    I also did a lot of stupid things to myself much of it inspired by the influence of cannabis creating artificial erotic delusions, and the subsequent endorphin-shock high that results from each step down the path. But I am also stronger inside for each step I have taken down this path and have learned that regret is of no value in life. Thank you for your heartfelt concerns as a warning to others, as it always helps to see all perspectives before choosing a path. But if I can suggest one point that might help you, it is that as babies one of the very first sensory pleasures we learn to embrace is the release and control of that little hole at the back door.

    Re-learning those sensations may help you to move in a new and positive direction, say good-bye to what was and enjoy what can be.

  4. #4

    Re: Penectomy - Sadness at the End

    @sadnessattheend, your cautionary tale is hopefully good advice here. The stone cold sober reality of actually being dickless is what is important to remember in the erotic fixation of penectomy. For those with the fantasy of this, you really need to keep control of the fantasy with your playmates, enjoy the role play and fun, but make sure you're cock is still around so you can go another round someday. For those who have done it and love it, please accept that for some it's just erotic fantasy, it doesn't mean they are in "denial" about wanting their cocks removed in reality. These men aren't "wankers" they just love the fantasy roleplay of it all, don't judge them as wankers, heck being nullo or dickless in reality you could probably be a very erotic playmate or partner for them.

  5. #5
    Kimmel class of 2006 Hash's Avatar
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    Re: Penectomy - Sadness at the End

    Thank you for sharing, it's always good to hear how others removed their penises and their state of being afterward. I will say that it appears you removed your penis during a drug induced state of mind and I can understand then the extreme "sadness" of coming down from the high and then realizing that you made a horrible mistake. That said, a lot of us who have removed or had our penises/testicles removed, did so for different reasons and are quite happy about removing/losing our penises. Everyone is different, I do not miss my genitals, I enjoy being a nullo, getting rid of my penis and testicles was, in my mind, a necessity. In fact, the majority of nullos that I've read about all appear very happy, not sad. However, if you remove your penis during a drug induced state of mind, well, then the reality after coming down and realizing what you've done could make you suicidal.

    Back in the early 90's a man was using cocaine and cut his penis off, after he came back to reality, he committed suicide. I'm not making this up. So yes, cutting your penis off while using drugs will most likely result in extreme sadness, but for those who do it or have it done without drugs, in a reasonable sanity, then it's a good positive reality. I will say that most men will consider anyone who willingly cuts off or has his penis cut off by others, insane, mentally delusional, or abnormal. I don't agree with their assessment though, I think for most of us who've had it done, it's an important necessity, to correct a deficiency and to give us peace. Thousands of men undergo surgery each year to correct body dysphoria, they believe they were born the wrong sex and so they have their sex, changed. They have their penis and testicles removed and turned into vaginas because that's the way they believe they were meant to be and statistically, the majority are extremely happy with the results.
    Last edited by Hash; Today at 11:15 AM.

  6. #6
    Happily Fully Qualified Regular daifu-orchid's Avatar
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    Re: Penectomy - Sadness at the End

    Wisdom and humanity from Hash, who we know has very much "been there and done it". So good to see.
    While the psych community gets a full day's work out of figuring out exactly why some folks want bits of themselves surgically changed, it brings much peace of mind and contentment to those for whom it is right.
    How to decide when it is right, and moving society's acceptance of this diversity seem the big issues. There's space in this world for all of us!

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