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Thread: Finally seeking help

  1. #1

    Finally seeking help

    I have struggled with gender dysphoria for a little over thirty years. Maybe I will write down the whole story sometime. Anyway, my wife and I have been married for almost 9 years. For about 7 of those years she has known I have some issues with my sexuality. She didn't really know how painful it was for me emotionally until last week. After all these years I finally broke down one morning and opened up to her about it.

    A little background. My wife has always found penetration and intercourse painful, and I took some refuge in that. About a year ago I made the decision to keep my penis out of our sex life. It was a good move for both of us and we have been closer than ever. But I still get erections when making love, and I hate them and find them very distracting. Meanwhile, my wife didn't know that I was still struggling to enjoy making love.

    One morning last week we were up early before the kids and decided to shower together. It was fun, we washed each other and were being kind of playful. I started getting erect and was trying hard not to let anything touch or stimulate it. My wife decided to playfully touch me there and I withdrew. She looked a little confused and we stopped playing around and finished our shower.

    As we were drying off, she could see I was on the verge of tears and asked what was wrong. So, I asked her if she remembered how I had problems with my sexuality in the past. She said yes. So I told her I just couldn't stand having erections and sexual urges to use my foreign equipment anymore. It causes me a lot of distress and being stuck with it makes me very depressed and angry sometimes.

    Her response changed my whole outlook on things. I always felt like I was stuck this way. I had hurt myself pretty bad about seven years ago trying crush my testicles with a hammer. I didn't end up having to go to the hospital or anything, but I was in pain for a couple of weeks. That was the incident when my wife first found out about my struggles with my sexuality. After that incident I never wanted to hurt myself again and swore I would never do anything like that again. Anyway, back to my wife. Her response was, "Well, we seem to enjoy each other just fine without your penis. Would you consider being a eunuch? I wouldn't mind; I think you would make a really cute eunuch". Honest to God, that was her response. I had never mentioned anything about being a eunuch to her.

    Her words turned on a bright light in my very dark world. For the first time, I felt like I had a real alternative to just bearing this burden for the rest of my life. It gave me hope. Just getting it all out in the open and hearing that my wife supported me being a eunuch had made me feel so much better. The depression and anger have subsided a lot for the first time in decades.

    We discussed things further and she is fully in favor of me seeing a therapist. She reiterated that she would be happy with me as a eunuch if the therapist thought it would help me. She thinks that hormonal castration might be a good thing to consider, but wants me to see a therapist and get guidance.

    So, I have an appointment for tomorrow at 1:00 with a therapist that specializes in gender issues. I am a little nervous about talking about these things with a stranger, but at the same time I am excited about getting help. Real help.

  2. #2

    Re: Finally seeking help

    Good luck and I hope you can get the help you are looking for!

  3. #3

    Re: Finally seeking help

    My appointment went well. I was very nervous at first. Talking to a stranger about very personal things is intimidating. The therapist did a good job of helping me feel more comfortable.

    After hearing my story and why I'm seeking counseling, she asked if I knew what hormone therapy was. I said I did. She said she thought it could be a good treatment for me and encouraged me to contact the endocrinologist at the university hospital to learn more about the pros and cons. She encouraged me to read up on gender issues and educate myself more on the medical understanding of gender identity. I will be going back in two weeks.

    I'm glad I went and followed through with it.

  4. #4

    Re: Finally seeking help

    Very glad it went well!

  5. #5
    agent provocateur Jesus's Avatar
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    Re: Finally seeking help

    It sounds as if you found a fine counselor who was willing to listen and to try to understand what might be best for you. Her suggestion to speak with the urologist is a good one. I hope that he is as understanding and that he is willing to provide the hormone blockers that will help you to decide whether or not to continue down this path. A trial run is always best.
    Nature loves variety. Unfortunately, society hates it.

  6. #6

    Re: Finally seeking help

    Quote Originally Posted by Jesus View Post
    It sounds as if you found a fine counselor who was willing to listen and to try to understand what might be best for you. Her suggestion to speak with the urologist is a good one. I hope that he is as understanding and that he is willing to provide the hormone blockers that will help you to decide whether or not to continue down this path. A trial run is always best.
    Jesus, I'm not anticipating any problems with the endocrinologist. She is the only one in the area and happens to be on the board of the hospital's LGBT clinic. So, I'm certain she is used to doing consultations with people who need help with gender issues.

  7. #7

    Re: Finally seeking help

    The endocrinologist office called today. I have an appointment scheduled for October 17 for a consultation. I hope it is an informative and productive experience.

  8. #8

    Re: Finally seeking help

    Wishing you the best, hopefully they will prescribe some hormones for you.

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