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Thread: shameless old jokes and I do mean old

  1. #1
    I really do look like my avatar Dave's Avatar
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    shameless old jokes and I do mean old

    Question: How do you get a viola player to play tremolo?
    Answer: Mark the passage "solo"

    A piano player has a pet monkey and keeps him claimed to he upright next to the bar. One Saturday night, the money pees in one of the patron's (A drunk man) beer. SO the drunk turns to the paint player and says:
    "Hey fellow, do you know your monkey just peed in my beer!"
    and the piano player says: "No but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it."

    There are a number of compositions in the standard repertoire that composers died before finishing. One of the more brilliant pieces of music left incomplete is Schubert's brilliant "Unfinished Symphony" that has only the two opening movements. PDQ Bach also has an unfinished work titled the "Unbegun Symphony" because he was born to late to compose the first two movements.

    You know what an ALBERTI BASS is in music -- that's when you take a chord and rather than playing all the notes in the chord at once as accompaniment, the player breaks the chord into its notes like an arpeggio. Well, PDQ Bach developed this technique for the pedal board of the Organ and he called it the Tootsie Roll.

    A second story about the very musical adventures of PD! Bach is that he was renowned for his fine wigs. PDQ Bach spared no expense and wore the finest, the absolute finest of wigs and was envied by royalty and commoner alike.
    It seems that one day during a raging hot session of Trio Sonata's with the Archduke's Trio. Well, the violinist broke his G-String. PDQ Bach, in order to save the Archduke's concert gallantly offered a hair from his wig to replace the G-string. The violinist finished the Trio Sonata with a Bach's hair as a G-string. (You may hiss)

    Did you know what if a bagpiper says that he has been playing for 20 years that he's been tuning up for ten and playing off key for the other ten?

    And those daggers (Skean Dhu in our spelling or sgian-dubh in Scottish) that Scotsmen wear in their hose-tops are for slitting the stomachs of the horses of the British in war when the horses are trampling them under-hoof.



    (none of those are originally mine. All of them are stolen)
    “They also call it the Winged Isle. Some say it is because the island, if seen from above, would look like butterfly wings. And I do not know the truth of it.” Then, “ ‘And what is truth?’ said jesting Pilate.” From: The Truth Is A Cave In The Black Mountains by Neil Gaiman.

  2. #2
    Senior Member ambiguous's Avatar
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    Re: shameless old jokes and I do mean old

    A few more throwaway one or two liners here.
    "Venison's dear isnt it"
    Or
    "Stationary store moves"
    Or
    Johny's mum "What are you doing hiding inside the wardrobe Johny"
    Johny "Its Narnia business"

  3. #3
    Happily Fully Qualified Regular daifu-orchid's Avatar
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    Re: shameless old jokes and I do mean old

    Mr Jones....
    MR. JONES! Do you know that you have a suppository in your ear?

    I do? Damn!
    Where's my hearing-aid?

  4. #4
    I really do look like my avatar Dave's Avatar
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    Re: shameless old jokes and I do mean old

    Quote Originally Posted by daifu-orchid View Post
    Mr Jones....
    MR. JONES! Do you know that you have a suppository in your ear?
    I do? Damn!
    Where's my hearing-aid?
    Mister Jones goes to the doctor complaining of constipation and the doctor gives him a prescription for a box of suppositories. The little silver bullets that you shove, you know where.
    A week later Mister Jones returns to the doctor and complains that he is still constipated just as bad as before.
    The doctor says: "That was over a months supply, what are you doing? Eating them"
    Mister Jones stands up all furious and angry and screams at the doctor:
    "Do you think that I'm stupid? Do you think I'm an idiot? What would I do -- shove them up my ass!"
    “They also call it the Winged Isle. Some say it is because the island, if seen from above, would look like butterfly wings. And I do not know the truth of it.” Then, “ ‘And what is truth?’ said jesting Pilate.” From: The Truth Is A Cave In The Black Mountains by Neil Gaiman.

  5. #5
    Neither prude nor dense.
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    Re: shameless old jokes and I do mean old

    Yeah, some of these are pretty bad. Here goes:

    Three guys walk into a bar.
    You'd think the third one would have ducked...

    A man goes on a business trip to the Far East. After days of negotiation, he decides to spend some leisure time at a local brothel. Its dark in the room and he can hardly see, but thats no matter, soon he starts getting it on with a beautiful young woman. She gently tells him "Lin Cho". He has no idea what that phrase means. As they go on, the hooker begins to shout the phrase more frantically, "lin cho! Lin Cho!! LIN CHO!! LIN CHO!!!". He assumes that must mean she is really getting into it. As he's about to come, he yells out "Yeah! Lin Cho this, babe!! You know you want it!! LIN CHO!!! LIN CHO!!!"
    The next day, he is out golfing with his business colleagues. On the most difficult hole on the course, he gets a hole-in-one. It is an absolutely amazing shot! He shouts out "Lin Cho!!!" in triumph...
    His colleagues look at him with a puzzled expression.
    Finally one of them speaks: "What do you mean 'WRONG HOLE' ???"

    A cop pulls over a car for speeding. He approaches and finds a very old man behind the wheel.
    "Why are you in such a hurry, sir?" the cop asks.
    The old man replies, "I have to get there before I forget where I'm going."

    Why do noses run, and feet smell?

    What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
    Melt them, turn them into tire, and call it a goodyear.

    What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
    Your wife will always blow your bonus!

    There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
    The one on the range.

    Why don't birds wear pants?
    Because their pecker is on their head.

    How can you tell when a woman is having a bad day?
    She has her tampon behind her ear, and she can`t find her cigarette.

    And finally, two I found on bathroom walls:

    Here I sit in misty vapor
    in a shithouse with no paper
    I have no time to sit and linger
    watch out asshole here comes finger.

    They paint these walls to stop my pen,
    but the shithouse poet strikes again!
    Last edited by Prudence; 04-21-2017 at 08:26 AM.
    "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." -- Einstein

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