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Why do I want to be castrated ? part 1

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Here is my story,

I was born in 1953 and raised in the Montreal suburb. I was the 6th child of a family of 7, one brother 3 years older than me and 5 sisters. I grew up quite normally. Mother was ruling the household and my father (uncut), a former soldier and then a trade man was complying with her all the time. Mother was severe and she didn't mind to spank me or my brother, that was when she didn't ask my father to do it. We weren't that bad except she wouldn't allow us to break her rules. I recall her first account of my operation. I must have been 6-7 years old, she was telling people who were invited to our home. I didn’t know what circumcision was about but I could understand that I had a surgery to my penis when I was a baby, not understanding exactly what have been done. She was repeating same story over and over to everyone who wanted to hear it and that was up until a few years before her death. In hi school, I had finally figured out what circumcision was all about. That made me feel a shame and I was angry. Here where I live, 85% of the boys my age are uncut . In PE shower, I saw naked teenagers for the first time, they where uncut. Their penises were looking so much better and bigger than mine. I didn't know anything about different circumcision type. I later found out that I was circumcised low and tight, the most drastic form of circumcision. I estimate that more than 85% of my penis skin was removed. My scrotum is attach close to my glans, so when I have an erection the peno scrotal web stretches toward the tip of the penis, rising the testicles toward the shaft. Needless to say that looks far from being «normal» or natural. I'd never walk around naked in the shower room, I was to a shame. This was the end of my normal life. I became anti scocial, shy, introverted with a lack of self confidence.

I had late puberty, I was 15 year old when my pubic hair started to grow and my first ejaculation occured at about same age. I started to shave my beard at 19. To jerk off, I had to use "vaseline" to cum because I didn't like the feeling of my tight circumcision and regular masturbation was not satisfying at all. I needed to cum like any other teenager and I did it almost everyday. In order to get more pleasure out of it, I started to experience different method, such as abrasion with sand paper, needles I even used razor blade to cut on my penis. Which brought me to think about genitals mods such as meatotomy, subincision, Prince-albert and so on. I didn't know all of those name back then, I didn't read, saw or heard any thing about it till 10 years later. I was about 16 year old when I started to think about cutting my scrotum off to get it out of the way. Therefore, castration fantasies started to come every time that I jerked off. This used to make me angry after each ejaculation, I didn't like that. I was a loner in every sense of the word, I didn't like my genitals and I would not expect anyone to like them either. I finshed school at 18 year old, found a job and left home. I was decent looking, very atletic, lot of curly hair. I was about 23 when I got my first girl friend. When she saw my dick for the first time she found it disgusting, I wanted to die ! I managed to stick with her a few months and talked about mariage. I was ready to give her everything she wanted even a house which I was about to built. Then, I found out this bitch was getting fuck by my brother inlaw so I left her.
All the girls friends I've had thereafter never lasted more than a few days after first sexual relation. I wanted to have a family and have kids but I realised that would never be possible. At 26 year old I was so discouraged That I did my first suicide attempt. I crossed two boulevards down town on a saturday night on a red light with my eyes closed hoping a car would kill me. Of course no one hitted me but that has caused car accidents. I didn't want to have sex anymore, for not to fall into depression after each break up. In order to stop the sexual frustrations, I've finally did my first self castration attempt with a razor blade, sewing needle, nylon thread and alcohol. I didn't know nothing about castration, this was in 1979 internet back then didn't exist. I went to the bath room, soaked the blade, the needle and the thread in alcocol, shaved my genitals, grab the blade and started to cut open my scrotum without any anesthetic. then the blood was pouring and that made it very difficult to hold the skin with one hand and hold the razor blade full of blood with the other hand. I saw my balls but my hands were shaking so much and a voice in my head said don't do that, no don't do it (as I'm writing this, I'm crying). If I'd have cut them off, I'd have probably bled to death. So I stopped and managed to close the wound with the needle. I was lucky, the whole thing healed without infection.

Months have passed by and I forgot about it. In 1980, I was a long haul truck driver, I didn't have sex at all not even a jerk off for over 6 months While standing at a urinal in a truck stop, waiting for my erection to subside to pee, a man came next to me and looked over the stall and saw my erection. He offered to blow me off and I've accepted. I wasn't gay and rather homophobic back then. I followed him in the back of the rest area, he got on his knees and sucked me off, it took only a few second for me to cum. Needless to tell you that I didn't return the favor. Back then, I was rather homophobic. I left immediately and went back to my truck. I had regrets, I couldn't believe what I have done, I could never forget this moment. Months went by, I was wondering if I could be a homosexual, one saturday night I went to one of a well known gay bar in Montreal, to see how it was, I walked all the way to the rear of the bar and could only see some old men kissing one an other and I walked right back out. That was not for me. Few months later, I was downtown again I was sitting in a small park wondering what to do and a nice young man, probably 20 year old came to talk to me. Blah, blah, blah he finally told me that he was commercial and offered me his services. I told him that I wasn't interested. We kept talking and he asked me If I had ever seen a gay bar. I told him the one that I had seen and that I didn't like it. Then he offered to take me to bars and discotheques where he likes to go. It was around 9 pm and I agreed to follow him. Those places were quite different than the one I had seen before and I liked them. After the evening, he invited me to his apartment, indeed it was for sex. Once at home, I let him lead the way and tried to return the favor. It was rather easy, he was so gorgeous, I mean everywhere. He had a dick that I would dream to have. I looked at it, touched it and indeed sucked it, this was the easiest and most natural thing to do.

... to follow.
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