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Zebedeee

A New Normal

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I feel normal.

I also feel different, itís a new kind of normal and very hard to describe. I still find people attractive but Iím not sexually attracted to them any longer, if that makes any sense. I still notice people when Iím out and about, but I donít have that urge to look again or stare which I may have had previously, and theyíre quickly forgotten about.

So I guess that whoever or whatever youíre attracted to, men, women, goats (seriously if itís goats get help - or a farmÖ Preferably somewhere remote!), thatís not going to change. You just donít have the desire to act on it, as it just doesnít seem to be very important any longer.

Incidentally I considered myself to be asexual even before I started taking anti androgens, which doesnít mean that I never found people sexually attractive, I just didnít have the desire to actually have sex with them. Iíve tried it, I didnít enjoy the experience very much and can quite happily live without it. I think that my issues with sex are mostly due to my gender dysphoria. Seriously, if there is an afterlife the first thing Iím going to do is punch St Peter on the nose and have a go at him about being sent into the field issued with the wrong equipment! I think that I might actually have enjoyed sex if I was female.

Iím beginning to notice a subtle change in my emotions. Over the last week or so Iíve experienced fear, anger and revulsion much more strongly than I would have previously.

I felt fear when I was waiting for a take away and a slightly rowdy drunk came into the shop. For a second I froze, and I felt absolute relief when the shop owner persuaded him to leave. He was probably quite harmless, and having worked in retail Iíve had to deal with far worse myself, but I think that I would now find it much more difficult.

Unfortunately my father experienced my anger. My dadís a lovely man and we get along very well, but when it comes to computers it would honestly be easier to try to teach my cat algebra. I get regular phone calls when heís stuck, and I have to try to work out what the problem is from his usual complaint that ďGoogleís not working.Ē Well this time, after about ten minutes of questioning him I finally figured out that heís managed to disconnect the wifi and heíd been trying to fix the problem using Norton antivirusÖ

After a further few minutes of trying to talk him through reconnecting the wifi, and him ignoring my instructions and randomly clicking anything which looks promising, I lose my temper and tell him to, ďShut the fuck up, stop pissing about, and follow my fucking instructions!Ē Well that workedÖ I had him up and running again quickly, then spent the next ten minutes apologising for my outburst! I surprised myself (not to mention my dad), and I think Iím going to have to watch my temper a bit in future. I donít think that Iíll look for a job in IT support any time soon!

I experienced revulsion at the sexual preference questions when I started Kevin Hsuís survey. It was honestly a massive over reaction and I donít think it would have bothered me so much before, but somehow I just couldnít help it. Anyway, after a couple of false starts I completed the survey and I hope he gets some useful data out of it. I guess that weíre a very diverse bunch on here, where castration varies from being a pure sexual fantasy to a serious solution to other problems. You might say that itís not a black and white issue, more like fifty shades of greyÖ

Yesterday I ordered more Androcur and Tamoxifen so Iíll have enough to last me until August, and I may order some more again quite soon as security of supply is a worry. Hopefully one day Iíll be able to get them on prescription which would make life much easier.
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  1. notsomanly's Avatar
    I've had a strong sexual attraction to women since puberty. Looking back it was just too strong. I didn't act on it for a long time as I was quite shy. But that didn't mean I was without a strong drive to have sex. I think I had been somewhat addicted to sex and it has robbed me of a lot of good years worth of my life. I now long to simply shut it down and be done with sexuality.

    I met a fellow on this site several years ago who became asexual for no obvious reason. He was an artist and he could appreciate the beauty of the feminine form as a work of art, but with no sexual attraction. This is exactly what I want for myself. I like the description of many here that, once libido is gone, one almost never wants sex again. I'm hopeful that I'll experience this blissful state very soon.
  2. sexualitylab's Avatar
    This was very insightful. Thanks for sharing. I hope some of what you mentioned here is reflected in your responses to my survey. And I will do my best to ensure the anonymity of your answers. I look forward to learning more from your and everyone's experiences here, no matter what they might be.
  3. MikeGrant's Avatar
    And I will do my best to ensure the anonymity of your answers
    Well that is not very reassuring Mr. Hsu!!!!!

    Zebedeee, i am so excited this is going all so well. i take it your going to keep taking the Androcure past the 90 days? That was the plan right? 90 days to see how it goes and then reevaluate?
  4. Zebedeee's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by notsomanly
    I've had a strong sexual attraction to women since puberty. Looking back it was just too strong. I didn't act on it for a long time as I was quite shy. But that didn't mean I was without a strong drive to have sex. I think I had been somewhat addicted to sex and it has robbed me of a lot of good years worth of my life. I now long to simply shut it down and be done with sexuality.

    I met a fellow on this site several years ago who became asexual for no obvious reason. He was an artist and he could appreciate the beauty of the feminine form as a work of art, but with no sexual attraction. This is exactly what I want for myself. I like the description of many here that, once libido is gone, one almost never wants sex again. I'm hopeful that I'll experience this blissful state very soon.
    Well Androcurís certainly nuked my sexual attraction to others, though my libido gave me a bit of a surprise today. Iíll cover that in my next post which Iíll probably write sometime tomorrow.
  5. Zebedeee's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by sexualitylab
    This was very insightful. Thanks for sharing. I hope some of what you mentioned here is reflected in your responses to my survey. And I will do my best to ensure the anonymity of your answers. I look forward to learning more from your and everyone's experiences here, no matter what they might be.
    I did my best with the survey, but I think it concentrated too much on arousal and I canít remember it at any point asking about my state of mind before and after embarking on this journey. At the moment I feel like Iíve gone from being an unhappy individual, to someone whoís feeling mostly happy and content with life. I certainly plan to continue the blog as itís a nice way to write my thoughts down and share my experience (and at times slightly silly sense of humour!) with others, and if anyone finds the information useful thatís a bonus.
  6. Zebedeee's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by MikeGrant
    And I will do my best to ensure the anonymity of your answers
    Well that is not very reassuring Mr. Hsu!!!!!

    Zebedeee, i am so excited this is going all so well. i take it your going to keep taking the Androcure past the 90 days? That was the plan right? 90 days to see how it goes and then reevaluate?
    Well I decided that as Iíve had no problems during the first month it was time to start stocking up on the medication, and going forward Iím not working to any particular timescale, Iíll just reevaluate and decide what to do if thereís a problem.

    Youíre starting your Androcur trail tomorrow arenít you?

    Wishing you the very best of luck.

    x
  7. Jesus's Avatar
    Originally Posted by MikeGrant And I will do my best to ensure the anonymity of your answers
    Well that is not very reassuring Mr. Hsu!!!!!
    I think (I hope) what Kevin Hsu is saying is that Zebedeee's blog is intelligent and articulate. What he's written is important and worthy of quotation. However, those who read the Archive might be able to read the resulting academic article and recognize the source of the quotation. That's always a problem, though it's sometimes important to demonstrate the intelligence of sources by giving a direct (anonymous) quotation.
  8. sexualitylab's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Jesus
    I think (I hope) what Kevin Hsu is saying is that Zebedeee's blog is intelligent and articulate. What he's written is important and worthy of quotation. However, those who read the Archive might be able to read the resulting academic article and recognize the source of the quotation. That's always a problem, though it's sometimes important to demonstrate the intelligence of sources by giving a direct (anonymous) quotation.
    You are correct. Thank you Jesus for helping me to clarify what I meant. In addition, I will add that much of what Zebedeee has said on his blog is important and insightful. At the same time, if he were to have said any similar kinds of things in the responses to my survey, it might be possible that I could identify him, having read his blog. However, under no circumstances would any connection be made by anyone who does not have access to the data (and we go to great length to ensure the data are completely secure, password protected, etc).

    So to clarify, the responses to the survey are anonymous. But as Jesus has pointed out, when it comes to studying small communities like this one, people have unique experiences to offer on the survey. And even though they may have been offered anonymously, if they are also offered in other places (for example, a blog on the Archive), there is this potential to make connections. That is all I meant by what I meant. I apologize for any confusion.
  9. Zebedeee's Avatar
    I must say that I’m somewhat flabbergasted that anyone would consider anything I’ve written to be important!

    I assume it’s not the bit about goats?!
  10. MikeGrant's Avatar
    Thank you for the clarification. Makes sense. Zebedeee, your blog is very intelligent and very helpful!